Slow Havamal: 8

[kylec]

In the eighth verse, we learn that a man finds the most happiness within himself, his own praise, and friendship. Wondering what others think is full of uncertainty.

The question of who directs our actions is a complex one. Most people tend to act at least part of the time in service of others—at least those who don’t suffer from psychosis or some condition in which they can’t, or won’t, imagine what others may think. We want to please, because we’re social mammals, and it’s literally tied to our survival. None but the most capable hermit can truly live alone. That means some regard has to be given for how others see our actions.

But that raises the question: which others should I look to for praise and friendship? Surely not all 7 billion of them. Any given action will please some, upset others, and fail to register for the great majority. Trying to please everyone is an exercise in futility. A hall of mirrors, in which a single individual is distorted in countless ways according to the angle from which he’s viewed. The solution might seem to be action in the service of the self. That way lies another trap: the one of narcissism, delusion, and ultimately isolation. A balance has to be struck between acting in a way that pleases enough of a carefully selected cadre that I can go on living among good people, enjoying the mutual support, without needless suffering.

Because to act in ways that please others at the expense of those values I hold dearest is to torment myself. There will be cross words instead of praise in my own head even as I get a pat from others. Why isn’t it just selfish to seek praise and friendship from myself? The answer is in another question: Who knows me better than me? I’m in the best position to determine if my actions are good, directed for the highest reasons and with my full ability. If I act for others, depending on how I choose to look at it, I can always distort my vision so that I look like a wild success or a blistering failure, or anything else I care to see. There is at least one person out there who will reinorce any position I care to aim for.

We can never know where we stand with others. There are many reasons why someone might want to conceal their feelings. That is, if they even know them. The degree of honesty varies, and a good number can’t even be honest with themselves. They may put on a show of love when what they feel is jealousy, or demonstrate hatred to hide infatuation. No matter how kind someone is, they are always looking at us from their own biases. Whether our actions are good, bad, cool, or dumb rests on a judgment that they reconcile with their own values—values we may not share. What is good for me might be bad for the next guy, especially when competition is involved. So depending on the interests of the observer, I may get tons of praise I never earned, or earn praise and never get it. If these results guide my future actions in a system of positive and negative reinforcement, my behavior will always be misplaced.

It gets worse. Our status in others’ eyes is not a constant, but a dynamic event. It changes all the time. The same things that earned praise before may no longer do the job. Or an act that improves myself may be unwelcome, because it reminds people around me of how they’re still stuck in the same rut. I see this all the time when someone decides to do things like change their diet, take up an exercise program, quit drinking, etc. Even as it’s met with “Good for you’s,” the same people try to persuade that person to just have a little slice of cake, one drink for the occasion, or push other conflicting compromises of them.

But as a social mammal, isolation and selfish behavior won’t get me far, either. In fact, there are many selves I can serve. At times, I’ve run the gamut from slob and jerk to noble friend. There’s no way all of my actions over the course of my entire life can be seen to serve a single self-interest. So which one should I look to? As straightforward as this verse is, the execution of the advice is beyond complex. I love to say I don’t care what people think as much as the next guy. Across the board, it’s almost never true, and those for whom it is likely live on the street with serious mental illness. My best dart-throw at this one is, first: I need to be very clear about who I would like to be—the best version of myself. Then act to please that guy, until it becomes so much a habit that the guy is me. Second, that model needs to take into account the social aspect. What kind of people will he attract and repel? Though we need only please others to the extent that it maintains healthy communal relationships, it’s just as important to choose the individuals we include in that select community. They will shape our behavior to some degree no matter how independent we may become.

This verse, while it seems straightforward, is a tangled mess of good advice that can’t be enjoyed until it’s sorted out. Until I know the master I serve.