Slow Havamal: 46

[kylec]

The 46th verse refers to the same friend, saying that if you mistrust him, you should still speak with him and laugh with him, but repay him only what you get from him.

The same friend from the previous verse explicitly shows up again, and the advice we’re given seems little more than a repetition. I suspect repetitions are a sign to pay attention, so instead of another dive into cultural and moral discord and semiosis, I’ll treat this one for exactly what it gives me. We’re dealing with a friend who we can’t trust. What he says is unreliable, and maybe intended to earn him rewards at our expense. Whatever his crime, it isn’t severe enough to sever ties entirely, or that may not be an option for other reasons. We need some way to benefit from a risky relationship.

Again, Odin suggests that the way forward is to be kind, at least superficially. That’s the only sort of kind our friend is, anyway. We should carry on conversations and enjoy jokes. Apparently amicable talk and laughter are poor yardsticks for friendship, since both parties engage in it liberally without any deeper connections, or even a basic trust. As much as we may enjoy small talk, flattery, and humor, we can be sure the real stuff of friendship lies elsewhere even though friends may also share these things. A few verses back, we saw that a true friend invites us to do three things: speak our mind, exchange gifts, and visit often.

This grifter of a buddy may be someone we encounter often, and there may be tokens exchanged. We’re warned to keep up the practice of reciprocity, even if that means the favor is returned at the end of a sword. What differs sharply is what words we exchange. With a false friend, I should be kind and flattering, and free with my humor. A true friend requires only that I speak my mind, which will often involve that friendly laughter and praise, but may at other times carry a difference of opinion or a loving criticism that would open a dangerous rift with a lesser friend. Of course, with a true friend, I need to be prepared to field those same remarks in return while maintaining my deep appreciation for the other. We are authentically ourselves, and share in our vulnerability.

In contrast, I can’t be myself with the false friend. This is theater. Even if I’m upset, or wary, I have to put on a smile and recite my lines. Any variation might betray where we really stand. He could go from casually maneuvering his advantages to actively seeking to harm me. I definitely don’t want to show weakness or share my secrets. If he’s as dishonest as I suspect, I probably don’t want to visit him any more than necessary to keep up appearances, and my gifts should remain tokens, with the good stuff reserved for those I care about.

His falseness requires falseness on my part, just as the good friend’s generosity and authenticity warranted the same. I will always be an actor at a deception with the false friend. What I think and want to do never manifest in action. The more time I spend with him, the more rehearsed my falseness, and in the words of Kurt Vonnegut, “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.”

The measure of a true friend is the extent to which we can truly give of ourselves—our minds, our gifts, our deeds. What’s interesting is that regardless of how magnanimous or awful the person, we’re encouraged to maintain reciprocity. Never should we steal into the false friend’s house at night and cut his throat unbidden. Whether he receives the gift of guarded banter or a whet blade depends on exactly what he gives us. The principle of karma—action—is honored with gravitational diligence. This requires us to remain vigilant. We accept the hospitality of a relationship without expectation, see what we get, and repay the same. There is no room for rushing in with expectations or force-fitting our notions onto others, good or bad. Our wisdom derives from a careful study of the context.

In all our interactions with all things that act, it’s well to attend to the world before us, that we may relate to it with justice.