kylec | Slow Havamal: 124

In verse 124, people become friends when they are able to openly share their thoughts with each other. Nothing is worse than a liar. A real friend will be honest about it when they disagree with you.

Last week we saw that there is no reward for dealing with bad people, and here we get a particular case: that of a false friend who lies to keep up appearances. Odin notes that one of the important ingredients in forging a friendship is that the two individuals can speak their minds with one another. Friends don’t take a difference of opinion personally, nor do they speak their minds in a way that is scornful. When a criticism is levied, it’s constructive, and comes from a place of caring. When they can’t see eye to eye on some opinion, they are able to respect the mutual right to disagree. We do not hear that friends always agree. Rather, their differences make the friendship more complex and interesting without harming the bond.

Sometimes, we end up with a person in our lives who attends all the same functions and who we relate to often, but they seem to fall short of a friend. Maybe we don’t even like being around them, but for social pressures, we maintain the relationship. Usually this starts out innocently-enough. We are stuck in the company of this person, and one of us (or both) isn’t willing to hear criticism, so the other keeps it to themselves and gives frequent reassurances. They may just be an awkward people-pleaser who thinks this is how friends are made. Soon, the relationship becomes predicated on tight rituals of what we can and can’t say. A real friendship allows for novelty. We comment on how we’re feeling in the specific circumstances, rather than putting on an image of how we should be feeling and ignoring certain things that are apparent to all.

So a friend strikes the middle of a ternary: On one side, we have enemies who lash out in bitter tones. On the other, liars who pretend that we get along when we are secretly under tension. A friend is that one whose honesty we can stand. They may not be exactly like us, but we accept them as they are, and they accept us in turn.