kylec | Slow Havamal: 42

The 42nd verse tells us to repay every gift from a friend with another gift of the same kind—be it laughter, or treachery.

In contrast with the prevailing Christian wisdom, verse 42 encourages us to repay our friends with the same generosity they showed us. In a classic turn of Havamal humor, that includes treacherous behavior. There’s no obligation to take it on the chin from anyone else. The duty of a friend is to return exactly what the other deserves, even if that means the end of the friendship. Then friendship according to Odin must not be some abstract virtue of always doing right by another no matter how badly they treat you. Rather, it’s the duty of reciprocity. There’s a balance which must always be maintained. While it seems petty to get pulled into revenge cycles, there may be a different kind of wisdom at work here. A villain allowed to go on without coming to harm has more opportunity to bring harm again, and to spread it to the community. This advice provides a negative feedback—a thermostat that kicks on to regulate the temperature instead of letting it plummet or skyrocket.

The examples mentioned are not physical gifts but types of action. Laughter means good humor and humility are extended to the one who first showed them. Gifts go well-beyond weapons and clothes. The friendship is built on actions that are shared. As much I might feign that I would be kind and patient to someone who treated me badly, I would at least end the relationship even in my noblest moment. Havamal doesn’t expect me to pretend otherwise. But I can’t just behave however I want to, either. I have to pay attention to my friend, and make sure he receives the same from me. If I’m a jerk, I’ll know it when my friend gives me an unpleasant experience in return. Either I’ll take that negative feedback and act differently, or I might one-up my awfulness until we destroy the relationship, if not each other. But I reward good behavior, probably receive more in return, and this leads to a positive feedback loop that deepens the bond and enriches both of us.

I can’t help but think of the notion of “self-talk.” Those of us who have dialogues in our heads essentially divide the self into two or more, and interact as separate individuals. When we tell ourselves we’re useless, shameful, stupid, fat, slow, destined to fail, the “friend” usually repays us in kind by accommodating those labels and giving us the fruits of that very behavior, which is a bitter harvest. But when we show patience, kindness, and support, it’s easier to have high self-esteem and to accomplish the things we set after with a good attitude.

Certain things repaid lead to the destruction of the system. Others enrich it and allow it to grow, until the distinction between the parts and the whole are a matter of abstract perspective. Standing up for ourselves has a chance to teach the other, and to stop a treacherous person in their tracks. If it doesn’t, at least it severs them from our lives and limits their bad behavior to those who still tolerate it. Personally, I try not to stoop to the level of bullies by imitating them, but to call them out and walk away is just as fine an option. Havamal would have us hold a mirror to our friends with our actions, sending a message to all around what kind of person they are. I’m sure there are times that patience and forgiveness are warranted. But it’s rarely OK to be a doormat, or a miser of good jokes.